Living in Bangalore

My trust with t

Rambling

The word Ruminate has two meaning in general:
a.) To chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed
b.) To engage in contemplation

This is my attempt to rationalize my own contemplation, because most of the time I get soo involved in it that I am not able to see the real world not able to relate to other people on the same thoughts no matter how hard I try. This is my experiment.... to what I hope will reveal itself in course of time.

Since a child I remember being taught do good things and good things will happen to you. Be nice to other and it will be reciprocated. Make love not hate and so on... I think its all bull shit there is no sense of righteousness anymore. There is nothing called Karma.
Be selfish and that is what will see you through. Lately I have been told a number of time 'It all happens for the good' but what if what already happened was the best that could have happened?

How do you define what follows is good when you no longer have the judgment to see if it’s good or bad? I once read somewhere 'Life is hard get harder’. True I agree life is freaking tough one incident is enough to scar you for life and god forbid if its love. I think all this while I have been living in a different world oblivious to the harsh reality of life and having more faith in what I have been taught or what I have read. Till a little while back I still had hope, hope to get things I have lost to understand why I lost them when I was told repeatedly that I had no part to play in it. If that is true then why I am the one being punished while others flourish. Why am I the one with still hope left? But not anymore, I have to learn to kill hope and learn to live on more social grounds.

It’s a very strange feeling; it’s as if you are at war with your own self. You are your greatest nemesis and no matter what anyone tells, you just are not able to see beyond your own thoughts your own sorrow, your own self pity. What is good for other is not good enough for you, what other term as you much better off, seems like your are much better worse and this is the tip of the abyss it has the capability to pull you in way deeper. When you decide to stop falling is all up to you but the funny part is you don’t have control over it. Life is hard get harder. I think this is what it means you get harder only when you know when to stop falling. Only when you know how to control the self triggers which made you trip in the first place. One thing I have learned over a period of time is that till you are bad/curt/shameless people notice you listen to you, fear you. But the moment you are opposite they won’t think twice and trample you over. I have seen this once too many there are always the exceptions but this is what I have seen so far in my existence.

Ok! shit happens but how do you control it from not happening again when you think you did everything by the book the first time? How do you know what went wrong when you were not given any good enough explanations? When the other party themselves found themselves confused?

What if they wanted to come back but they still can’t? How do you reach out to them? When they won’t reach out to you?

There are so many if's and why running through my head today and this is what this blog is all about? Maybe will find an answer to them someday and will post it here or maybe will find out if I was wrong all this while, but I guess it’s worth the effort to find out if you were wrong or right?