A Circle

Life it makes you run around in circles.......

The year is coming to an end and when I look back at it now this has been the most demanding year of my life it has wrenched me emotionally, physically, mentally, professionally. Some test i have failed miserably some I have managed to just survive only to fail at a later stage. But all this has made me realize how life takes you in circle (at least for me) how it keeps on testing you on the same thing over and over again until you get it right or give up completely. Giving up is the most easy way out but will leave you with a regret forever to how things would have been different had you not failed. The only way to find that out is to try again and try to do things differently until you get it right.

Snakes and ladders

Dad got me this amazing board game during one of our numerous train journeys we used to undertake. Me and my sister used to play with it whenever we couldn't tolerate each other anymore, it used to be a good time pass. Now that I am all "grown up and all". Can't help sit back and realize life is actually a game of Snakes and Ladder for me. You take one step forward and two step back. But there is a beauty in this game, the next time you take a step forward you know what not to do, you get to understand things which you didn't before, you are more firm, more confident, more determined.

Then comes those downward spirals which just makes everything pointless, all the effort worthless, all the time spent wasted. You loose a sense of direction, purpose and this is where you get lost you keep asking the same question over and over again. Until nothing else matters except those questions/ frustration why these things happen to you? It's very hard to get up from them you are just lost in your own thought's, you find peace in solace, and everything else just doesn't make sense to you anymore.

But I guess the answer is/has always been front of you.But you choose to ignore it all along, because the task in front of you is too tough for you to handle, you just can't think of facing the challenge and you thing its humanly impossible. Its hard to do it because it requires a lot of effort/ sweat/ determination and you are too comfortable moping around rather than picking up yourself and move ahead. You are too comfortable living in misery and you just don't want too let go. But you rather live senselessly without feeling anything other than the storms inside you.

Well the first step is hardest but it makes you realize this is it this is life- Snakes and Ladder. Just keep you head down and do the best you can don't look left don't look right just keep walking towards your goal and then in no time you are up again on the board racing towards the finish line. The pain turn into fun, fun of rebuilding something which you thought you could never rebuild and all the past looks like a blip on the radar slowly fading having its own bitter sweet memories, and maybe someday someone high above the clouds will notice you and roll the dice ........... to take you through a new journey :)

Living in Bangalore

My trust with t

Rambling

The word Ruminate has two meaning in general:
a.) To chew again what has been chewed slightly and swallowed
b.) To engage in contemplation

This is my attempt to rationalize my own contemplation, because most of the time I get soo involved in it that I am not able to see the real world not able to relate to other people on the same thoughts no matter how hard I try. This is my experiment.... to what I hope will reveal itself in course of time.

Since a child I remember being taught do good things and good things will happen to you. Be nice to other and it will be reciprocated. Make love not hate and so on... I think its all bull shit there is no sense of righteousness anymore. There is nothing called Karma.
Be selfish and that is what will see you through. Lately I have been told a number of time 'It all happens for the good' but what if what already happened was the best that could have happened?

How do you define what follows is good when you no longer have the judgment to see if it’s good or bad? I once read somewhere 'Life is hard get harder’. True I agree life is freaking tough one incident is enough to scar you for life and god forbid if its love. I think all this while I have been living in a different world oblivious to the harsh reality of life and having more faith in what I have been taught or what I have read. Till a little while back I still had hope, hope to get things I have lost to understand why I lost them when I was told repeatedly that I had no part to play in it. If that is true then why I am the one being punished while others flourish. Why am I the one with still hope left? But not anymore, I have to learn to kill hope and learn to live on more social grounds.

It’s a very strange feeling; it’s as if you are at war with your own self. You are your greatest nemesis and no matter what anyone tells, you just are not able to see beyond your own thoughts your own sorrow, your own self pity. What is good for other is not good enough for you, what other term as you much better off, seems like your are much better worse and this is the tip of the abyss it has the capability to pull you in way deeper. When you decide to stop falling is all up to you but the funny part is you don’t have control over it. Life is hard get harder. I think this is what it means you get harder only when you know when to stop falling. Only when you know how to control the self triggers which made you trip in the first place. One thing I have learned over a period of time is that till you are bad/curt/shameless people notice you listen to you, fear you. But the moment you are opposite they won’t think twice and trample you over. I have seen this once too many there are always the exceptions but this is what I have seen so far in my existence.

Ok! shit happens but how do you control it from not happening again when you think you did everything by the book the first time? How do you know what went wrong when you were not given any good enough explanations? When the other party themselves found themselves confused?

What if they wanted to come back but they still can’t? How do you reach out to them? When they won’t reach out to you?

There are so many if's and why running through my head today and this is what this blog is all about? Maybe will find an answer to them someday and will post it here or maybe will find out if I was wrong all this while, but I guess it’s worth the effort to find out if you were wrong or right?